if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
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