Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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