even my farts smell like vagina
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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