and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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