I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
