I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
