I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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