i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
This gyro tastes like lonliness
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Randomize
