I wish I could teleport
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
