My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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