So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
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