Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
