Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
