I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Randomize
