If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
