I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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