god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
