im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
This is classic penis vs brain.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
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