I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
