Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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