The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
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