we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
