This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Randomize