I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Randomize
