please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Randomize
