When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
