Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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