His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize