mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
