The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
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