no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
