He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
