I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Randomize
