Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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