apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
