I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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