why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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