Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
