So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Everclear isn't food dammit
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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