Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
True college students do jello shots in the library
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
