Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
