I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Randomize
