When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
