After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I FOUND THE LEGS
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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