The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Randomize
