I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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