i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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