I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
