I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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