i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
