ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
