I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
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