I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Randomize