Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
