my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
