After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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