I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
