I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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